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Post by KellyJones on Mar 31, 2006 10:30:49 GMT
Scientists have crossed a male chicken with an onion and finally got a c*ck that brings tears to a womans eyes!
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Post by KellyJones on Mar 31, 2006 10:36:21 GMT
In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes in to the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a b*tch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
The Frenchman thought - "That b*stard Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French tw*t again."
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Post by KellyJones on Mar 31, 2006 10:40:00 GMT
In an art gallery in New York, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a Welshman, approached the couple and said,"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Welsh coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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Post by KellyJones on Mar 31, 2006 10:43:09 GMT
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Post by KellyJones on Mar 31, 2006 10:47:22 GMT
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said: "I think it's your hands!" "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied: “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Roy Sullivan raised his hand and said: "Sister, I think it's your legs!" The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Roy, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Roy said: "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." The nun fainted.
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Post by KellyJones on Mar 31, 2006 10:51:44 GMT
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some of the males actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he said in a firm voice.
"Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Craggy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.
"Oh, no" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"
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Post by KellyJones on Mar 31, 2006 10:54:35 GMT
A young man called John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome John's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his Mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates."
About ! a week later, Simon came to John saying, "Ever since your mum came to dinner I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure.", said John. So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John"
Several days later John received an email from his Mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum."
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Post by KellyJones on Mar 31, 2006 10:58:31 GMT
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
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Post by KellyJones on Mar 31, 2006 11:02:11 GMT
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.' Without missing a beat, the flight attendant replied, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b*tch.'
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Post by Anna on Apr 4, 2006 14:55:43 GMT
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and Jack Straw" "They're asking for a £310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire." "We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.", says the man
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
..."About a gallon."
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Post by scousethief on Apr 8, 2006 20:28:06 GMT
Is that the patter of tiny feet i sense? congratulations an all that. Good to see u aint lost ur sense of humour. happy easter!!
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Post by JennyG on Apr 26, 2006 20:44:47 GMT
FUNNY SIGNS......................
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so) ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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donna
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by donna on May 14, 2006 13:41:01 GMT
Whats got 3 legs and lives on a farm ?
Paul and heather mc cartney !!! Wrong i know !! *runs and gets coat*
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Post by JennyG on May 15, 2006 8:12:07 GMT
keep running!!! LOL!!!
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Post by Anna on May 20, 2006 10:23:38 GMT
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was paying attention in class. She called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," And April fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A*#SE!" The Teacher fainted. ;D
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