Jens joke thread....... :o)

[JennyG]

Feel free to add any if you think they are worthy....


A seven year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the seven year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."


The four year old nods his head in approval.


"When we go down stairs for breakfast I am going to swear first, then you swear after me. ok?


"OK" the four year old agrees with enthusiasm.


The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast.


"Oh, nuts mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"


WHACK !


He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran up stairs crying his eyes out.


She looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice.


"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"


"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops."

[JennyG]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.



Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.



The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.



The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.



At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.



The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.



Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.



He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.



Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[JennyG]

A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart Ciara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to surprise her.



After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would
strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sister he went to the department store and bought a
dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties
for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the
sister got the gloves and Ciara got the panties.

Without checking the contents Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss)
and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dear Ciara,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening.

If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones
with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though
they were a little tight on her.

She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny,
in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love, Fergus.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur

showing.

[bernesemad]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Nice one Jen, although you have to read the Rindercella one carefully lol...

Here's one for you...

A woman watches two Irishmen working by the roadside. One digs a hole and the other one fills it in. They do this every few yards all the way down the street.

After a while, the woman asks them what on earth they are doing?

"To be sure", says Shaun, "We're planting trees, only Patrick who is the one who puts the trees in the hole is off sick."

[bernesemad]

A woman walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"bejeesus," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered woman sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before she says, "Sit down Sheamus." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest -- he is Sheamus."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Sheamus, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Sheamus. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Sheamus!

"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here ... are they ALL named Sheamus?"

The woman replied, "Well, yes -- it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Sheamus!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Sheamus!' and they all come running.'

And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Sheamus' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Sheamus."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

" I call them by their last names."

[Anna]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the
car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego? "

"Sure, " answered the blonde, "do you need a lift? "

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to
keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for
me?

I'll give you $100 for your trouble. " I'd be happy to, " said the
blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's
car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours
later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when
suddenly he was horrified.

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the
two
chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes
he
pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you
doing
here? " he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the
zoo".

"Yes, I know you did, " said the blonde, "but we had money left
over....


.... so now we're going to the beach.

[bernesemad]

Young Mary has just got married but is quite a traditionalist, and is still a virgin on her wedding night, as a result, her husband Andy agrees to let Mary's mother stay over to quell any fears the girl might have.

On the big night the young couple go upstairs and Andy takes off his shirt to reveal a hairy chest. Young Mary runs down to her mother. 'Mother.' she cries. Andy has a hairy chest.' 'It's all right,' her mother says, 'all good men have hairy chests.'

Mary goes back upstairs and Andy takes his trousers off to reveal hairy legs, again Mary runs down to her mother. 'Mother.' she wails. Andy has hairy legs.' 'Don't worry, my child,' her mother says, 'all good men have hairy legs.'

Mary goes back upstairs, and Andy takes off his shoes and socks to reveal a left foot with no toes, again the naive young girl runs to her mother. 'Oh, mother,' she moans, Andy only has a foot and a half.'

At this, her mother sits her down on the sofa.

'You stay down here, little one,' she says. 'This is a job for your mother.'

[JennyG]

lol... Here's another....

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a p*nis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever Had any contact with a p*nis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What Seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her a$$ in it."

;-)

[bernesemad]

Here's a quickie ;-)

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said "When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I said to her:

"Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".

Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".

"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack. So Jill said " Exactly, and if you don't change your attitude, you never will!"

[JennyG]

lol... very good. This thread is growing

[brightscarf]

:DLaura.x

[KellyJones]

Two old blokes in a carehome. Fred says to George "I really feel my age you know, im tired all the time, ive got no energy, i really feel old."

George replies "Well i feel like a new born baby" "How do you make that out like?" Fred Replies.

George replies "Well ive got no hair, no teeth and ive just sh*t myself!"

[KellyJones]

A man walks into ASDA and goes straight to the customer service desk. He unzips his trousers and slaps his circumsized p*nis on the customer service desk.

The customer service desk girls says "Can i help you at all?"

The man replies "Yes, try rolling that f*cker back!"

[KellyJones]

Why do women like sucking circumsized p*nises?

because they can't f*cking resist anything with 10% off!

[KellyJones]

A man says to his wife "My olympic condoms have arrived today. I think i will wear gold tonight.

The wife replies "I tell you what why don't you wear silver and cum f*cking second for a change!"